Saturday, January 25, 2014

Trust Or Not To Trust...

Trust is something that doesn't come easy to me.  I have a small circle of friends that I trust and in that circle only a few that know me completely.  The two that know me completely are the people that I have shown  all my flaws and told them my deepest darkest secrets.  I know they do not judge me and that they love me even when I make stupid mistakes.

I am not one of those people that will trust someone from the beginning.  I listen to them. I watch them. I even test them.  If the person will tell you about her other girlfriend's problems, then more than likely she will tell her other friends about yours.  I even tell them a small tidbit and see if it comes back to me.  I have found that I am usually a good judge of character and know who I can an can't trust.

Dating is a whole different ballgame when it comes to trust.  This department is a slippery slope for me.  I have been cheated on a number of times.  I have also been "that girl".  The one that the guy cheated with.  Not something I am proud of.  I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.  I didn't like being that girl.  I didn't like knowing that I was hurting someone.  But it just was another way to show me that some men can't be trusted.   It's like I had to prove that men were pigs.  So that when I meet a nice guy, I won't get attached. Crap...does that even make sense?

I know that my ramblings are not making sense today.  Just had this in my head because a new person wants in the fold.  So I am sitting here or not to trust.



Monday, January 20, 2014

My Not So Small Town

Arkansas is the place I have called home for about 80% of my life.  So I guess you can say that I am a southerner.  That is something that I always argued up into the last few years.  I am not sure why I didn't want to be a southerner.  Anyways...The town I live in has a population of about 90,000 give or take a few people.  But don't that large population fool you.  This town is as small as that country town that has a population of 12,000. The city leaders have tried to keep the "small town" feel to it but they are quickly realizing that new business are not going to come to Mayberry.  So we are finally growing. 

You would think a town with this size of population, one could fade into obscurity.  Nope!  Not in this town.  I can't go anywhere or do anything without someone knowing me and talking about me.  I swear we have our own Harriet Olsen (Little House on the Prairie reference there) sticking her nose in everyone's business and telling anyone that wants to hear.  

This town is very small-minded.  They just assume everyone believes the same way they do.  If you don't, the torches and pitchforks come out.  They have run business out of this town because they were not the kind of businesses they wanted in their town.  It cost our town a 1/2 million dollars because a strip joint wanted to open up and they denied them a business license.  Not only did we have to pay the 1/2 million dollars but the business was still allowed to open.  Oh did I tell you our "great" city leaders gave them the business license with the stipulation they couldn't serve alcohol.  So the now strip joint that was a 21 and over strip joint became an 18 and over strip joint because they couldn't serve alcohol.  Smart thinking, huh?  

But as small-minded this town is, I still love it here.  I love my kids going to the same grade school as I did. They have even had my 6th grade teacher as a substitute.  I love that many of the businesses have been owned by many generations of the same family.  I love the history of our town.  We have some pretty famous people that have either lived here or have visited.  I also love how close I am to the Ouachitas and the Ozarks.  

I will share more about my town with you in other posts.

Have a blessed day!


Friday, January 17, 2014

Why Start Blogging Now?

First off...Welcome to my little piece of the internet.  You may be wondering why I decided to start another blog.  I have had two blogs before this one.

The first was a blog that I had when I was going through a rough time in my life.  My marriage was failing and I needed an outlet. I decided to delete it when I felt all I was doing was being fake.  I didn't want to post negative things so I posted only cheerful posts even though I felt the walls were caving in on me.  I didn't want anyone that read my blog to see how I was falling apart.  

The second blog, I wrote under a pseudonym.  I was able to write about whatever I wanted and since it was under a pseudonym.  I was able to be the person I wanted to be and not have to worry about the ramifications. I made the decision to delete that one about a year or so ago because I wanted a clean slate and really wanted to find a balance between the two blogs.

So here I am with my third blog.  I want this one to be a mixture of the two.  I want this one to show the real me including all my glorious flaws.   I struggled with the decision of whether to write under my real name or a pseudonym.  Like most people, I have two sides to me.  I just happened to give that side of me a name.   

I will be writing about my struggles with balancing being a single mom, full-time employee, full-time student, and not lose myself in the process.  No topics are going to be off limits.  I am going to talk politics, religion, sex, dating, and whatever else I feel like talking about.  This is my blog after all. 

I hope that you come back to see what I have gotten myself into recently.