Sunday, July 27, 2014

This Little Thing Called Love

When I was married, I lost who I was.  I was one of those wives that settled in and only did the things my husband wanted.  So when my marriage fell apart, I had to find myself.  It has taken me a long time to get where I am now.  I love the person I have become and the person I am working on being. 

The guy I have been dating for a few months now is a wonderful man.  We enjoy spending time together except I don't have feelings for him.  We are at that point in our relationship that I feel like I should have feelings for him.  I also feel that he is trying to mold me into someone I am not. 

I was telling someone about it  and telling them that I think it is time for me to move on.  That it isn't fair to him.  My friend told me that I just need to learn to love him.  Learn to love him?  I feel like that means I am settling.  I don't want to settle. 

When did relationships become about learning to be in love with them?  That if they treat you good, you should stay with them even if there are no feelings for them.

I know that relationships are not all about passion and fireworks.  But shouldn't you have feelings for them.  I am so worried this guy is going to tell me he loves me and I don't want to lie.  I know what it feels like when you love someone and they don't have those feelings for you.

I fell head over heels in love with someone a few years ago.  I loved how that felt and I loved the person I was when I was with him.  He broke my heart but it gave me a taste of what I wanted.  I still want that. 

I have a lot to think about.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

I have so many things going on in my life right now.  Some days I feel like I have it all under control then there are the days I fell like I have too much...everything is just too much.

I am on the of those people that has to process things.  It is like my brain has a filing cabinet and I have to file it away.  This is how I keep my emotions in check.  But lately I feel like my filing cabinet is full and I am trying to cram just one more file into it.

It is days like this that I know that I need to meditate.  But when do I have time??  I will tell you when I could do it.  It would be right before bed.  I just need to shut off Netflix (Hello, my name is Ana and I am a Netflix addict) and meditate.

If and when I do meditate, I feel better.  It helps my brain shut down for just a little bit so I can handle the things that are weighing me down. 

Meditation was something that was not easy for me to learn.  It took me almost a year to meditate for 15 minutes.  Most of the time I was only able to meditate for maybe a minute or two.  But I didn't give up.  I will close my eyes and clear my head.    And when my thoughts come barging in, I try to clear my head again. Sometimes this process will go on the whole time I meditate but sometimes, I am able to focus and keep my head clear.

How do I clear my head?  I imagine being in the one place that I feel the most at ease.  The mountains are my happy place.  I love the Ozarks so I imagine sitting on top of one of the bluffs and looking over the valleys. 

Well, I have taken up enough of your time. 




Monday, July 21, 2014

Getting My Life Back

I have been living with a family member for the last couple of years.  My family does not know that I am no longer following the christian beliefs.  So for the last couple years, I haven't been practicing my beliefs.  I was no longer reading, meditating, or even celebrating the sabbats and esbats.

I moved into my own home just about a month ago.  I can't tell you how much I am enjoying unpacking my books, my alter, and some of my other things that I have had to keep hidden for so long.

There are books that I must have bought right before I had to pack everything away.  I can't wait to read them.  I am also going to revisit some of my favorites. I will probably discuss some of them with you.

It has taken me a long time to get my life in order for me and my children.  It has been a rocky road but we are finally in our own home.  I am getting my life back.



Thursday, July 17, 2014

Deep Inside My Broom Closet

Does that title sound familiar?  That was the name of my blog many moons ago. 

Even though I am not writing that blog anymore, I am still hiding out in my broom closet.  I have ventured out from time to time.  I have told more people about my beliefs but I am still very careful on who I tell.  There are very few people that know.  The one's who know are people that I felt I could trust and don't judge me. As a matter of fact, one of my best friends and I have some amazing conversations about my beliefs.

Being in the broom closet is not as easy as it looks.  I don't like lying to people. So when the women in my office are discussing their churches and their beliefs system, I just smile.  Many times, I attempt to change the subject or I remind them that it is not their place to judge.     

If you knew me, you would know that I am an outspoken person. I normally speak my mind.  But this is one subject I feel is better for me to just keep my mouth shut.  My children are very young and don't understand the path I have chosen for myself.   I don't want them to feel the need to defend me to the hypocrites in my town.  Or worry that they may lose friends because of my beliefs.  After all, I am a "satan worshipper".  I know first hand how that feels.  When I was a child, a parent didn't like that my father drank so they wouldn't let their daughter play with me.   I know it isn't the same situation but close enough.  I will explain to my children my beliefs when I feel they are old enough to understand it a little better.

Another thing about being in the broom closet is that I have to hide my books and I can't have the alter I want.  The alter has to look more like a table with miscellaneous things on it.  And my books are all tucked away in my closet on a shelf.  

I don't know if I will ever completely leave my broom closet.  I guess time will tell.

Have a blessed day!