Time To Let The Real You Shine

When I wrote my last post, I hadn't looked at the 3rd days challenge yet.  So I found it ironic that today's post is about the High Priestess and I am to ask her for her wisdom for me will be
.

I would like to think the High Priestess as a dear friend.  She would come over and we would talk over a cup of coffee.  First we would chit chat about the simplest of things, such as the weather, kids, whether the Razorbacks have a chance this year.  Then she would stare at me square in the eyes and say "Don't you think it is time you let the real you shine."

I know me, I would try to get her to change the subject.  But she wouldn't have any of it.   She pulled a mirror out of her bag and made me look at myself.   You are enough.  You have no one that you need to hide from.  You are beautiful from the inside out.  Let them see what I see.  You don't have to be strong all of the time.  Learn to lean on someone when you need them.  Even if you don't need them, lean on them.

We finished up our coffee and we said our goodbyes.  And as she was walking out the door, she turned to me and said one more thing to me..

"That sunshine and daisies that you are always talking about.   Let people see when the sun is dark and the daisies are wilting.  They will still love you."

It's Just Smoke and Mirrors

 When the challenge today was to based off the tarot card The Magician, I knew exactly what I wanted to write about.

The Magician is about making what is possible real.  Manifesting desires, more goal oriented, etc...

I am a master of disguise, the ultimate illusionist, the All and Powerful Oz. 

I am not exactly sure when it started or why but I don't let anyone see the "real" me.   I don't let anyone see me break down because I have to be strong all the time.  I don't tell anyone my desires, my hopes, or my dreams.    I don't like showing vulnerability of any kind.  I don't lean on anyone when I have problems.  I have to be in control. So when you meet me, the person you see is not who I am.  It's just smoke and mirrors.

I don't like this about myself but every time I start a new relationship, I clam up.  I just can't bring myself to let them in.   I even kept my ex-husband at a distance when we were married.  It is part of why my marriage fell apart.  

I am also the girl that would much rather talk about your problems and try to find solutions than deal with my own.  Hence...The All and Powerful Oz "don't pay attention to the man behind the curtain"

So where is this leading to?  I am wanting a healthy relationship with someone that I can be with completely.  Someone that can see all my flaws and be ok with it.  I am a work in progress but I am working on myself.   I will take it day by day with the help of the Goddess and when I do meet that "one" guy, it will be all worth it.

Blessings,

Ana

And Away We Go....

I have signed up to be part of a writing challenge so that maybe it will make me get off my butt and write more often.   So here we go...

I am the baby of the family.   Due to the age difference, my siblings didn't have much to do with me. I had to learn to entertain myself.  So I made up a world so much different than the one I lived in.  I would visit this world every chance I got.

This other world had no name.  I had one friend in this world that was best friend.  His name was Corbett.  He took me on so many adventures.  We had to save the world from a band of bad guys called the Green Devils.  Corbett and I were a cross between super-heros and police officers.  I was also the Nancy Drew of this world.

There were days that we would ride horses across the prairie just like the Lone Ranger and Tonto.  And then there were days we would be fishing off a raft like Huck Finn.  

This world comforted me when we moved to Arkansas.  My father thought he moved us to a neighborhood with lots of children but most of the children were boys that were so cruel to me.  I was not a cute little girl.  I had long arms and long legs.  And my eyes were way too big for my face.  I had to listen to them call me names all the time.   I would visit my little world to get away from the hurt they inflicted.  And as always  Corbett always knew just what to say to make me feel better.  

I remember the day I said goodbye to Corbett.  I told him I was too old for him and that it was time for me not to return to that world.  It was one of the saddest days of my life.  

As an adult, I sometimes wish I could escape to that world.  Just one day...Just one day away from the daily chaos of my life.

Blessings,

Ana

Why Can't We Just All Get Along

I have been having writers block lately.  I have been wanting to post something but I just couldn't find the words.  But not today.  I want to share a few things.

But first a few definitions from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary online....

• tolerance - willingness to accept feelings, habits, or beliefs that are different from your own.
• acceptance - the act of accepting something or someone
• understanding - a willingness to understand people's behavior and forgive them
• coexist - to exist together or at the same time; to live in peace with each other.

Those four words are powerful words.  But too many people have forgotten them.  Our society has this "us against them" mentality.   I don't know if it's because of social media and how some people feel the need to air out their dirty laundry but it seems that people are constantly ranting about how they have been wronged or not liking someone because they don't have the same belief system as they do.  I am just sick of it!

I have become quite outspoken lately in some of the groups I belong to.  I have even gone so far as leaving one because the owner of the group speaks of acceptance but doesn't truly accept everyone.  

We can learn so much each other.   I was raised a baptist.  Better yet a southern baptist.  My family are still christian and they are very strong in their beliefs.   I still like listening my mom talk about what her preacher said.  Her pastor is a wonderful man and has shown so much tolerance towards things that most baptist preachers frown on.  I also have a few Muslim friends.  I have been talking to them lately about everything that is going on.  They don't feel the same as the radical ones.    And Pagans, oh my gosh, what can I say about Pagans.  Talk about a hodge podge of belief systems.  I have learned so much from many that don't follow the Wiccan path.  

I want to leave you with another word and it is...

RESPECT - a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way

Plain and simple.  Respect everyone's opinions whether you agree or disagree.  

Blessings,

Ana

To Love this Moon is To Love Myself.

The full moon is rising tonight.  This moon is about looking deep into yourself and seeing the changes within yourself.  To manifest these changes on the outside.  This can make things a little more dramatic in your life but it will be all worth it. Just don't feed into the drama.

This full moon means so much to me.  It is the first full moon at my own place (last months full moon doesn't count).  I am for the first time in a long time...single.  I usually have someone in the wings but I have decided I need a break.  I need to focus on me.  I need to learn to love myself.  I always thought I loved myself but lately I have felt that something was missing.

So since this moon is about looking deep inside of yourself and showing more of your true self on the outside, I think it is a wonderful time to take a hard look at my life.  I am going to spend some time during this full moon to look deep into my heart and work on making the necessary changes to live my life like I have always wanted.

I hope everyone has a blessed evening and bask in this beautiful moon.

Blessings,

Ana

Back To School

It is that time of year again.  My house has been a flurry of activity.  We have been doing our back to school shopping.  I have also been organizing my house so that hopefully (crossing fingers) I will be able to keep my house kept up so I don't have to spend a whole day cleaning on the weekends.

This semester will be challenging for me.  I decided to take two classes online on top of the two that I will be taking at the college.  For me to get my degree and still work full-time, this is the only way I can work my degree plan.  I am not happy about it and I decided this year that I am going to start becoming part of the college community and joining a couple clubs so that I can try to make some changes.  Non-traditional students make up a big part of the student population at this college but yet, they treat us as if we are only a blip.  Most classes don't start till 9 or 10 in the morning and they don't offer very many night classes that are not the core classes that everyone has to take.  This makes it hard for the students who work, have families, and don't have the luxury of being available at all times of the day to take classes.  

But anywho....School will start in about a week.

I am hoping to keep up with my blog while I am at school.  I have so many things I have written down that I want to talk about.  

Blessings,

Ana

This Little Thing Called Love

When I was married, I lost who I was.  I was one of those wives that settled in and only did the things my husband wanted.  So when my marriage fell apart, I had to find myself.  It has taken me a long time to get where I am now.  I love the person I have become and the person I am working on being. 

The guy I have been dating for a few months now is a wonderful man.  We enjoy spending time together except I don't have feelings for him.  We are at that point in our relationship that I feel like I should have feelings for him.  I also feel that he is trying to mold me into someone I am not. 

I was telling someone about it  and telling them that I think it is time for me to move on.  That it isn't fair to him.  My friend told me that I just need to learn to love him.  Learn to love him?  I feel like that means I am settling.  I don't want to settle. 

When did relationships become about learning to be in love with them?  That if they treat you good, you should stay with them even if there are no feelings for them.

I know that relationships are not all about passion and fireworks.  But shouldn't you have feelings for them.  I am so worried this guy is going to tell me he loves me and I don't want to lie.  I know what it feels like when you love someone and they don't have those feelings for you.

I fell head over heels in love with someone a few years ago.  I loved how that felt and I loved the person I was when I was with him.  He broke my heart but it gave me a taste of what I wanted.  I still want that. 

I have a lot to think about.

I have so many things going on in my life right now.  Some days I feel like I have it all under control then there are the days I fell like I have too much...everything is just too much.

I am on the of those people that has to process things.  It is like my brain has a filing cabinet and I have to file it away.  This is how I keep my emotions in check.  But lately I feel like my filing cabinet is full and I am trying to cram just one more file into it.

It is days like this that I know that I need to meditate.  But when do I have time??  I will tell you when I could do it.  It would be right before bed.  I just need to shut off Netflix (Hello, my name is Ana and I am a Netflix addict) and meditate.

If and when I do meditate, I feel better.  It helps my brain shut down for just a little bit so I can handle the things that are weighing me down. 

Meditation was something that was not easy for me to learn.  It took me almost a year to meditate for 15 minutes.  Most of the time I was only able to meditate for maybe a minute or two.  But I didn't give up.  I will close my eyes and clear my head.    And when my thoughts come barging in, I try to clear my head again. Sometimes this process will go on the whole time I meditate but sometimes, I am able to focus and keep my head clear.

How do I clear my head?  I imagine being in the one place that I feel the most at ease.  The mountains are my happy place.  I love the Ozarks so I imagine sitting on top of one of the bluffs and looking over the valleys. 

Well, I have taken up enough of your time. 

Blessings,

Ana

 

Getting My Life Back

I have been living with a family member for the last couple of years.  My family does not know that I am no longer following the christian beliefs.  So for the last couple years, I haven't been practicing my beliefs.  I was no longer reading, meditating, or even celebrating the sabbats and esbats.

I moved into my own home just about a month ago.  I can't tell you how much I am enjoying unpacking my books, my alter, and some of my other things that I have had to keep hidden for so long.

There are books that I must have bought right before I had to pack everything away.  I can't wait to read them.  I am also going to revisit some of my favorites. I will probably discuss some of them with you.

It has taken me a long time to get my life in order for me and my children.  It has been a rocky road but we are finally in our own home.  I am getting my life back.

Blessings,

Ana

Deep Inside My Broom Closet

Does that title sound familiar?  That was the name of my blog many moons ago. 

Even though I am not writing that blog anymore, I am still hiding out in my broom closet.  I have ventured out from time to time.  I have told more people about my beliefs but I am still very careful on who I tell.  There are very few people that know.  The one's who know are people that I felt I could trust and don't judge me. As a matter of fact, one of my best friends and I have some amazing conversations about my beliefs.

Being in the broom closet is not as easy as it looks.  I don't like lying to people. So when the women in my office are discussing their churches and their beliefs system, I just smile.  Many times, I attempt to change the subject or I remind them that it is not their place to judge.     

If you knew me, you would know that I am an outspoken person. I normally speak my mind.  But this is one subject I feel is better for me to just keep my mouth shut.  My children are very young and don't understand the path I have chosen for myself.   I don't want them to feel the need to defend me to the hypocrites in my town.  Or worry that they may lose friends because of my beliefs.  After all, I am a "satan worshipper".  I know first hand how that feels.  When I was a child, a parent didn't like that my father drank so they wouldn't let their daughter play with me.   I know it isn't the same situation but close enough.  I will explain to my children my beliefs when I feel they are old enough to understand it a little better.

Another thing about being in the broom closet is that I have to hide my books and I can't have the alter I want.  The alter has to look more like a table with miscellaneous things on it.  And my books are all tucked away in my closet on a shelf.  

I don't know if I will ever completely leave my broom closet.  I guess time will tell.

Have a blessed day!

Ana

New Beginnings

Happy Spring!!!

This is my favorite time of year.  There is something about watching the earth be reborn and showing all of her beauty. I feel more connected to the earth at this time of year than I do any other time.  It is my time to regroup and ground myself.  I am making plans to do more meditating and spend some of my days sitting under a tree and reading a good book or two.

With the earth being reborn, this also give us a chance to be reborn as well.  Things that we might want to change about ourselves.  Bad habits that we are wanting to get rid of.  This is the perfect time to do it. 

I want to be a more trusting person.  I don't want to be so afraid to let people into my life.  I want to fall in love and not be afraid of it.  

I will end this post with one of my favorite quotes by Mary Oliver.  This is how I want to live my life from now on.

"I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.  I want to be light and frolicsome.  I want to be improbable, beautiful, and afraid of nothing as though I had wings."

Blessings,

Ana

Trust Or Not To Trust...

Trust is something that doesn't come easy to me.  I have a small circle of friends that I trust and in that circle only a few that know me completely.  The two that know me completely are the people that I have shown  all my flaws and told them my deepest darkest secrets.  I know they do not judge me and that they love me even when I make stupid mistakes.

I am not one of those people that will trust someone from the beginning.  I listen to them. I watch them. I even test them.  If the person will tell you about her other girlfriend's problems, then more than likely she will tell her other friends about yours.  I even tell them a small tidbit and see if it comes back to me.  I have found that I am usually a good judge of character and know who I can an can't trust.

Dating is a whole different ballgame when it comes to trust.  This department is a slippery slope for me.  I have been cheated on a number of times.  I have also been "that girl".  The one that the guy cheated with.  Not something I am proud of.  I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.  I didn't like being that girl.  I didn't like knowing that I was hurting someone.  But it just was another way to show me that some men can't be trusted.   It's like I had to prove that men were pigs.  So that when I meet a nice guy, I won't get attached. Crap...does that even make sense?

I know that my ramblings are not making sense today.  Just had this in my head because a new person wants in the fold.  So I am sitting here pondering....trust or not to trust.

Blessings,

Ana

My Not So Small Town

Arkansas is the place I have called home for about 80% of my life.  So I guess you can say that I am a southerner.  That is something that I always argued up into the last few years.  I am not sure why I didn't want to be a southerner.  Anyways...The town I live in has a population of about 90,000 give or take a few people.  But don't that large population fool you.  This town is as small as that country town that has a population of 12,000. The city leaders have tried to keep the "small town" feel to it but they are quickly realizing that new business are not going to come to Mayberry.  So we are finally growing. 

You would think a town with this size of population, one could fade into obscurity.  Nope!  Not in this town.  I can't go anywhere or do anything without someone knowing me and talking about me.  I swear we have our own Harriet Olsen (Little House on the Prairie reference there) sticking her nose in everyone's business and telling anyone that wants to hear.  

This town is very small-minded.  They just assume everyone believes the same way they do.  If you don't, the torches and pitchforks come out.  They have run business out of this town because they were not the kind of businesses they wanted in their town.  It cost our town a 1/2 million dollars because a strip joint wanted to open up and they denied them a business license.  Not only did we have to pay the 1/2 million dollars but the business was still allowed to open.  Oh did I tell you our "great" city leaders gave them the business license with the stipulation they couldn't serve alcohol.  So the now strip joint that was a 21 and over strip joint became an 18 and over strip joint because they couldn't serve alcohol.  Smart thinking, huh?  

But as small-minded this town is, I still love it here.  I love my kids going to the same grade school as I did. They have even had my 6th grade teacher as a substitute.  I love that many of the businesses have been owned by many generations of the same family.  I love the history of our town.  We have some pretty famous people that have either lived here or have visited.  I also love how close I am to the Ouachitas and the Ozarks.  

I will share more about my town with you in other posts.

Have a blessed day!

Ana 

Why Start Blogging Now?

First off...Welcome to my little piece of the internet.  You may be wondering why I decided to start another blog.  I have had two blogs before this one.

The first was a blog that I had when I was going through a rough time in my life.  My marriage was failing and I needed an outlet. I decided to delete it when I felt all I was doing was being fake.  I didn't want to post negative things so I posted only cheerful posts even though I felt the walls were caving in on me.  I didn't want anyone that read my blog to see how I was falling apart.  

The second blog, I wrote under a pseudonym.  I was able to write about whatever I wanted and since it was under a pseudonym.  I was able to be the person I wanted to be and not have to worry about the ramifications. I made the decision to delete that one about a year or so ago because I wanted a clean slate and really wanted to find a balance between the two blogs.

So here I am with my third blog.  I want this one to be a mixture of the two.  I want this one to show the real me including all my glorious flaws.   I struggled with the decision of whether to write under my real name or a pseudonym.  Like most people, I have two sides to me.  I just happened to give that side of me a name.   

I will be writing about my struggles with balancing being a single mom, full-time employee, full-time student, and not lose myself in the process.  No topics are going to be off limits.  I am going to talk politics, religion, sex, dating, and whatever else I feel like talking about.  This is my blog after all. 

I hope that you come back to see what I have gotten myself into recently.

Blessings,

Ana